Please Validate Your Existence
Things must be earned.
Is this something I intrinsicly believe in? Or is it a product of my environment?
I consciously reject this.
And yet, I seem to have internalized I don’t deserve good things.
Because I haven’t earned them?
Because I’m fundamentally flawed?
I can see my flaws too clearly. Firsthand. There’s just no way I deserve most good things.
Yet - I often feel wronged. Taken advantage of. Overlooked.
Does some level of me believe that I should have them?
The truth is, both exist. Manifesting as undesirable emotions.
And they don’t cancel out. They compound.
When something good happens, I brace for its inveitable loss.
It feels provisional. Misassigned.
“I’ll be found out sooner or later.”
When I want something good, I reject myself first.
Lower the ceiling. Pre-adjust expectations.
“I am unworthy.”
And when things go wrong, I feel anguish.
Fixate on the gap. Replay the miss.
“I should have gotten that.”
Inferior and superior at the same time.
Earned and unearned.
Worthless and entitled.
But perpetually in agony.